Lessons Repeated…. SERIOUSLY!
Current mood: grateful

I wrote this almost exactly one year ago after breaking up with M—.  Trying to find the answer behind my own cycle I seemed to be living.  I guess I should have paid closer attention, because I seem to be reliving this one … AGAIN!  I just found this posted on a friends profile (look for Xxx in my friends list) … it’s from exactly one year ago… and he posted this only one month ago… right when She* and I decided to call it quits.  Ever wanted to see a REAL karmic cycle played out in real life?  Thanks for reminding me of my own wisdom!

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The wheel of life, the cycle, the circle… some of the most primitive and primal images and symbols that have been with us since time itself was conceived. Why? What is with the cyclic nature of life? Why is it a wheel, and not a straight line?

Because everything we do, everything we learn, everything we see/do.. brings us back to ourselves.

Creationists will probably tell you it’s a multi-layered aspect of returning to self, returning to family, returning to community, returning to the Creator. A never ending cycle of birth and rebirth, a continuous refining of the soul and character of the person.

So why is it that it is so dramatic and earthshaking and cataclysmic?

Why does the ego need to be shattered only to be remade new again? Isn’t there a shortcut to this? Or are we doomed to repeat these destructive cycles until we finally learn our lesson? And what is being destroyed?

It is easy to think that somehow some piece of you, your essence, your soul, your core has been damaged, destroyed, broken somehow, but this isn’t the case. It sure as hell feels like it, no doubt and this isn’t to detract from the authenticity of suffering. It is your ego that is being destroyed, nothing more. Your own personal construct of what you THINK is reality or real or what you BELIEVE to be the truth.

But that’s the one thing that CAN’T be destroyed.

Your Personal Truth.

It always endures, even when you try to hide form it, or conceal it, or avoid it, or run away form it. You can’t escape it, it ALWAYS finds you in the end. Even if no-one is around to see it. Know it will happen. A lot of people, probably most, fear this, but they shouldn’t, because it is the crucible that seperates the dross and slag from the pure metal. The purification through destruction of your outer ego and constructs being ripped away to expose the pure essence of you, your personal TRUTH that is your core.

This is the rebirth, the awakening, the realization, the awareness… the truth. Facing it, staring into your deepest fear and darkest center, and taking on that demon ‘that sits in the center and knows’. And that’s the funny thing about the demon….

Let me digress…

Do you remember when you were a kid, and you had the nightmares that kept you awake at night until you literally couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore, only to feel the nightmare coming on when you drifted off to slepp? Those evil nights of fear and torment, knowing you were going to see every evil thing in your mind, every fear you have come true. Yeah we all had those.

Remember what your folks told you to do? Control your dream? Face the demon and make friends with it? Did you try it? I did.

I remember I used to have this recurring nightmare about a tiger that was coming to eat me. Stalking me through the long grass in the swampland on the farm I grew up on. I used to run and run and run, getting tangled in the reeds, always hearing it behind me, always breathing on me and snapping it’s jaws at me. Petrified!

I remember one night talking to my Mum and asking her what to do about it. Never having heard of professional counselling, my Mum told me to make friends with it and ask it what it wanted and why it was chasing me. yeah, that’s what i thought at all of 9 years old too. Mum IS crazy!

But I tried it. That night. The dream came back again as surely as I knew it would, only this time something was different. The tiger was not chasing me so hard at first, it kind of backed off, which made me feel better. But once it started after me I remember running and tripping, and feeling it coming in for the bite… and I yelled at it to STOP!

Which it did! Yeah the power of a 9 year old!

And I asked it why it was chasing me and trying to bite me. And you know what it said?

"I thought you were leaving me behind"

yeh..

well ok at the time I WAS trying to leave it behind… as fast as I fucking could! But when I saw it sitting there looking at me I felt sorry for it, and I said ‘do you want to be friends?’ to which the tiger grinned and laughed and starting prancing around… and promptly turned into Tigger from the Pooh adventures… and then I jumped on his back and we pogo’d off through the woods (yeah no more swamp). Love the 9 year old mind…

I haven’t really had a problem with nightmares since then, and I’ve had some pretty grueseome ones. But I guess the lesson is the same. Its never as bad as you think once you have the courage to face the fear and the demon inside. It really isn’t. Yeah you think you’re gonna die, you think there’s never going to be a way out of this, there’s never going to be an end to this… but there is. ALWAYS! And if you focus on the suffering, you miss the rewards.

See.. your demon that sits in the center and knows? Your fear? Your suffering? IS all YOU! All it wants is to be acknowledged, included and befriended. You will be amazed at how fast your demon becomes your best friend once you face it.

Life is a cycle, and as long as you are being brought back to yourself each time, your cycle will continue to grow and expand. You may change direction, your entire life may change - sometimes dramtically, painfully, and powerfully - but as long as you stay open to it you will continue to experience the cycle. It’s only when we choose to run that the nightmares have power over us. When you stand your ground and stare into the fear/hate/pain, the power is dissolved, resolution can begin, healing begins, and the cycle moves on again, having successfully brought you back to yourself.

The pain and suffering is only your ego being destroyed so it can be remade again. You have lost nothing. No-one can take anything from you, you are already whole and complete as you are. Let the crucible of your situation destroy the ego that brought you to your knees, and let the cycle complete itself and bring you back to yourself again, whole. You will be remade stronger, wiser, and more pure each time. And yes it will happen more than once… which is a GOOD thing!

What’s that Arabian saying… "This too shall pass" … that’s the cycle. Everything passes in time.

Be brave, face your demon, embrace your suffering, jump into the crucible, let the pain and heat and force destroy your ego and emerge remade.

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I found it after randomly surfing my friends list (yes I do surf past occassionally to see how your doing) and saw this posted up.  One month ago.  Xxx found this on my blog a year ago after randomly surfing past.  It spoke to him then and he commented on it.  He was going through a similar cyclic experience and the message found a home.  Then one year later exactly, he posts it to his own blog… and I find it at the exact time I needed to find it too. I dont care if you dont believe in God.  He works in mysterious ways!

Irish

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